The Abyssmal Longing for the Lost Love

I have just recently lost somebody dear to me. She was the warmth of the clothes I wear. She was the light that illuminates the room in every color and mood. She is the smile that leaves me in awe. She is my father's mother -- my Granny.

She has an epic story as if untrue. It is more than typical because it is unimaginable. All you can hear are challenges, struggles, tragedies -- all part of her life story. But she has never neglected to leave one thing to be always true -- a mother's love for her only son.

Since I was young, my granny always favored the only man of her life, her son, my Pa. She always mentions her love and devotion to the needs of my Pa. But as I grew up, she displaced her love to me. She wanted to keep me all for herself. In travels, granny wanted always that I be in her side. I often thought she's my own mother.

Even in our day to day encounters, she was as if my mother. She knew how to just appease me because she knows I understand and love her so much. She takes care of me in every way. My granny was always a mother to me, my Pa, and even to my Momma.

I remember how we make up when we just ended up a fight. I simply don't speak to her for a week and she gives up by hugging me so tight as I was having breakfast. Even if I try to let go of her, my granny wouldn't want to. The truth is I just wanted her to. I always knew she had that great affection for me.

Once, when I was really at the height of my rebellious life, I left home. Whenever I call up home to check on my mom, she would always grab the phone to beg me to come home because she says she misses her pachochong. I don't answer her but she still speaks to me as if I was talking back. At then end, she was able to convince me.

I understand how much she cares for me. But if I have to regret one thing now that she's gone, I never was able to take care of her the way she does for me.

I will always miss the warmth of her hugs that makes everything else alright. I will always miss how she lights the room to look for the one last mosquito that might bite me at night. I will always miss that smile that says, "I've never regretted to have you in my life."

All I did on her last day on earth was... hold her hand so tight. She tried to speak to me even when she's hard up. She tried to speak out I love you. But, I never knew she would say those three times for the last time.

I'm still longing for her... I miss my Granny. I love her so much. The reality is I cannot ever have her back.

A Requirement to Life

The most sought after stuff in the world is "meaning." It happens to be a requirement to life. I know that many will disagree with what I've just declared, but I'm pretty sure it is. Some says it is success, but I think it's more on to the significance every one tries to make for their approval and acceptability.

Let's face it, during Adam's (the first man) time, he was lonesome that God provided him with someone to give him company. But after sinning, he felt alone not having God. Unfortunately his loneliness was passed on to Cain. Cain, more than proud and jealous, he wanted more approval from God.

The modern day people are lonely. They's given up the sense of community with impersonal condominium units that alienate them from one another. Their activities that are supposedly shared with personal touch like in festivals are now changed into the impersonal country clubbing.

Spirituality is even based on materialism these days. Having a Mac is more of a lifestyle and a living rather than an innovation of computers. In the Philippines, you would either be "Kapamilya" or "Kapuso" depending on which television network you support and watch. Also in the Philippines, you either chose to become "Smart" or "Globe" depending on your phone service provider.

Yes, people are lonely that they unknowingly have one requirement to life -- SIGNIFICANCE. But how are you significantly living your life?

Express yourself? Are you sure?

Many people have their own perceptions and ideas of things are. It seems like all opinions matter that we as people have become not discriminatory of what's worth publishing. With the technology provided to us and the popularity of the blog, anyone gets to be published -- even when nobody wants to read all about it. Although, I just want to join all those people who have their own opinion. Now, do I make sense? Or do I have to?

We express what we want to express. If we don't, then we begin to collect. And when we overcollect, we burst. We just want to be heard. And that's what's making all the therapists rich! They just sit there and listen to what you say and have an opinion back at you. If they get an impressive idea from their patients, they just work it out as if it's their original work. But isn't writing in the internet better than therapy? You still say what you want to say and you get to meet people who thinks the way you do. Unlike in therapy, they encourage you to do stuff and make sane people go out of their way and be insanely adventurous -- devastating the relationships that matter.

Well... not all therapy. Most therapies work by the way.

What's exciting about writing stuff without an editor reading and removing stuff that actually matter to you is that you get to be who you exactly want to be. Unlike having a typical journal, people only read your journal when you're dead. And what you have said there wouldn't really matter. Although Anne Frank's did, my mistake.

So what's with the blog? It's the real deal for real expression. Thanks to those who made the blog work! This actually isn't the first blogger I've had. But this is some new stuff that I believe will make it through.